By David "Regnen" Austin

S2 has been cranking out some really nice alt avatars recently, but there are still a handful of awesome possibilities that have yet to be exploited!

Hateful Grandmother Empath

Since many people will be spending time with family over Christmas, it’s time to bring a bit of that holiday joy to Newerth with Mean Ol’ Gramma Empath! Nothing says Christmas like that little lady draining your life with the classic carols of “Why don’t you ever call?” and “When are you going to do something with yourself?”

The aroma of food and disappointment that permeates Gramma’s house restores the health of her allies (those kiss-ass cousins that will be getting 95% of the inheritance. It’s not MY fault I live twelve hours away, how am I supposed to visit?!) Of course, we can’t forget the impassable wall of guilt that comes with a woman who keeps reminding you that she’ll soon be dead. How can you walk away when she tells you that this is going to be her last Christmas? It just isn’t fair.

Now for Gramma’s FINAL FORM: living vicariously through her offspring! Gramma Empath jumps inside the unfortunate target (this is what you get for sucking up, Lauren!). The target is then prodded by Gramma to perform whatever tasks she decides needs to be done. Re-wrapping presents? Of course. Harassing the unwitting girlfriend about her clothing and her skinny, not-capable-of-bearing-great-grandchildren hips? Definitely. Needling the disappointing son about his divorce and how his ex-wife was probably right to leave him? Oh god, please don’t make me... yes. You have to. Gramma won’t be around forever.

DISCLAIMER - My grandmothers are both wonderful and kind. Don’t disinherit me please. Or poison me. Or stab me.


This alt avatar write-up is dedicated to bkid.

To be honest, I don’t have a lot of strong ideas to go with Swagmus. I’m not too familiar with Swagger, Swagging (is that a thing?), or any other Swagisms that may or may not be perpetrated in the dark corners of the Internet.

However, I don’t believe that I can, in good conscience, not recommend a Swagmus alt avatar. I mean, come on—a young lava monster with gold chains around his neck and a gelled-up fauxhawk underneath a sideways hat? I’d buy that in a second.

And Magmus would be pretty easy to alter anyways! Explosions of Swag, a pulsating eruption of Swag, a swaggering stun right up into the opponent’s stupid face? I’m not an expert designer, but the potential here is Swagmendous (yes?). Swagmus could whip up a quick storm of non-trademarked Haxx Bodyspray to hide in! I know right now I’d be getting my low-hp ass out of there real freaking quick.

And of course, when Swagmus dies (in a really terrible, painful way), he can yell out YOLO with his last breath. It would be a lie of course, but that’s not really the point. If people who perpetrate YOLO believed it, or really thought about it, they’d be way more careful and way less annoying. Because Swagmus is going to be the go-to target in any teamfight, just trust me. Maybe he should build a helm and put it on top of his ridiculous sideways hat.

Nerd Glacius

This one derives from my personal failings at Glacius, documented here. Glacius always seems a bit too cool (hah! pun!) for his life to be as terrible as it is. So, I propose a new Glacius alt avatar that is more appropriate, and if S2 feels the need to name it after me, so be it. For now, I’ll just call him High School Nerd Glacius.

This alt comes complete with broken glasses, a pocket protector, and a briefcase instead of a backpack. Nerd Glacius is just as uncomfortable in the halls of a high school as he is in the jungles of Newerth, and there is always some predator (sometimes it’s actually Predator) waiting to put a beating onto our incredibly unfortunate bastard.

Just like me walking the halls as a freshman, Nerd Glacius just wants to be left alone. And maybe to talk to a girl. But only if she does most the talking. And she doesn’t look right at him. And he doesn’t get all nervous and sweaty again. Maybe it’s better if we wait a year or so before talking to a girl.

Instead of using a blast of cold to slow the opponents, Nerd Glacius uses calculus to confuse and hinder the cool kids on the other team. Instead of a block of ice protecting himself and his allies, Nerd Glacius hides behind his briefcase, or tosses it to his friends so they can do the same! After all, if a nerd won’t share his briefcase with friends, who can he share it with?

You’d think the ambient intelligence he brings to the team, keeping them all refreshed and replete with knowledge, would be enough for them to protect him. You would of course be wrong, and I would probably say you should never have thought that in the first place.

For the ultimate, rather than the hellstorm of power and destruction that Glacius unleashes (whenever someone besides me plays him), Nerd Glacius calls down well rationed, logically sound arguments chock full of science, explaining why the teams should just leave each other alone and let life go on unhindered. He spouts these right up until Gauntlet or some other asshole punches him right in the face. Then he dies. Because he’s Glacius. Damn it.

Breaky/Tralf Gemini

Ok, picture this for me: the lithe furry body of a jungle cat stalking through the dark forest of Newerth, but instead of the dual vicious maws of Gemini, you have the two smiling faces of HoNCast. One with Breaky’s headset and one with Tralf’s (just recently) bald head, the suave HoNCaster Gemini alt avatar would be an unstoppable force on the battlefield and with the ladies! If that doesn’t satisfy you, then you are doomed to a life of sadness because you will never be happy with anything.

Instead of Fire and Ice, HoNCaster Gemini shreds its foes with the vicious pairing of Analysis and Excitement, spiced up with catchphrases. They could break apart and reconverge with the microphone cord between them, and oh god what if instead of a cat body it was just the HoNCast desk galloping up and down bottom lane? Yeah, let’s get rid of the cat altogether.

When HoNCaster Gemini uses the ultimate and breaks apart, you should get to control Tralf and Breaky separately. I personally want to see our fine commentators punching triple stack ancients in the face, and I can’t be the only one.

Oh, and best part? When they use dual breath, make it a sound bite of them yelling AT WHAT COST in harmony. You’re welcome S2.

- David "Regnen" Austin